


b-sides: 3x17 in heat

by archivedjemily



Series: b-sides [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Canon, F/F, Hehehe, M for later chapters, You feel me, but make it not canon, heh, its angsty, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:36:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25884412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archivedjemily/pseuds/archivedjemily
Summary: a what if: emily has been in love with jj for years, so why did she just tell her to go for the detective from new orleans? does jj feel the same way? let's find out! jj/emily
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Series: b-sides [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1866787
Comments: 9
Kudos: 72





	1. part 1

_ You should go for him _ .

The words had left Emily’s mouth and she still couldn’t believe it. For the last few days, every ounce of profiler inside of her had been watching JJ, hoping that her reluctance to admit to a relationship with the detective from New Orleans meant something. 

_ You’d make a cute couple. _

She had said it, and now she was watching with somber eyes as the couple wrapped themselves around each other on the other side of the room. Every part of her body felt heavy, her chest tightening at the sight. She felt Derek walk up next to her, felt his eyes on her as he considered her carefully. 

Emily knew that every emotion she was feeling was displayed openly on her face, and Derek wouldn’t miss any of them. Attempting to escape his scrutiny, she turned her head and started to walk towards the front door. His footsteps were soft behind her, and Emily knew he was following her outside.

She took a deep breath, the warm, humid air doing nothing to calm her down or clear her head. With long, sure strides, she walked around the side of the building and found a concrete bench, letting herself sink down onto the hard surface. 

Her shoulders fell as she sat, body deflating under the weight of the last few days. She looked up at Derek, eyes pleading for something she knew he couldn’t give her. Moving towards the bench, he came to sit next to Emily, placing a warm hand on her shoulder, his thumb running soothing trails along the fabric at her collarbone.

He knew Emily, probably better than anyone other than JJ. He had watched her fall for the blonde over the last few years, catching the ends of longing stares and snippets of private conversations that told him everything he needed to know. Even as an outside observer, he could see the depth of Emily’s feelings for JJ.

The whole team had known about Will, had seen right through JJ as she had tried to keep it a secret. JJ had started traveling every weekend, always having an excuse for why she couldn’t make it to any of their hangouts after work hours, and he knew it had been difficult for Emily. For years, she had been used to being the blonde’s first choice. The one that always had a seat saved when she showed up, the one the younger woman would spend her free weekends with, the one JJ always looked to before making a decision. 

Derek watched Emily closely, and waited for her to speak, hoping that she was ready and willing to have this conversation. He had teased her about it all before, making passing comments about Emily’s  _ “work wife that she wished could be a real wife”  _ and had taken jabs when she caught the brunette staring. He had watched her feelings develop from infatuation into something more, something that he was pretty sure seemed a lot like love. 

He had watched JJ too, feeling equally protective of both women. He had seen the way she always seemed to miss Emily’s stares by a second, and the way she looked to the brunette for affirmation whenever they were in large groups. He had seen the disappointment pass through blue eyes whenever she would notice the older woman looking at someone else, the way her bright presence seemed to dim when the brunette wasn’t around. 

A profiler by nature, he couldn’t deny the attraction he knew they felt for each other. He also couldn’t deny the very obvious risks and fears that he knew both women saw. As much as he knew it hurt Emily, he couldn’t blame JJ for chasing the stability and comfort that he knew she found in Will. Deep down, he knew Emily didn’t blame JJ either. For all her bravado and boldness, she was just as scared of being hurt as anyone, and he knew the thought of rejection from the blonde would be enough to paralyze her. 

He felt Emily take a deep breath, steeling herself before turning to face Derek fully. Her eyes were bright with tears that hadn’t fallen yet, trying her best to not let her emotions win out. 

“I told her to go for him,” she said quietly, barely above a whisper. “That they’d make a cute couple.” She shook her head as she spoke, still frustrated with herself. Frustrated for the sentiments she had spoken to JJ, frustrated that she had let herself care enough to get hurt in the first place. 

_ Em,  _ she heard Derek say as he pulled her to him, wrapping her in the comfort and safety of his arms, bringing a hand up to cradle her head against his chest. 

“I don’t know what I expected,” she said through a shaky breath, trying her best not to cry, knowing that if she started she might never stop. Her eyes were already red, face flushed to match, and she knew the rest of the team would notice. 

Emily knew enough about human behavior to look critically at her own. Knew that she was testing the blonde on some level, seeing if the younger woman was really serious about her relationship, hoping that she would be proven wrong.

She supposed she was used to it, never being a first choice. It felt like she had spent her whole life as an afterthought. Being with the BAU had started to change that. Emily felt like she had family now, the type of unconditional love and support that she had always longed for. She felt safe now, like she could be herself without fear of judgement or critique. 

Then she had let herself fall for her best friend. She couldn’t have pinpointed when the switch happened, when her heart had started aching every time the blonde left for the weekend- when she had stopped pretending she loved JJ with the same love she had for the rest of the team. 

She was pulled from the spiral her brain was rushing through with a soft, “doesn’t make it any easier,” from Derek. 

He was right. 

Emily had spent the last year trying to ignore the warm comfort she found in the blonde, and had attempted to squash the rising longing she felt whenever JJ smiled. Knowing that JJ was finding safety and love in the southern detective’s arms on the weekends was hard enough when she didn’t have to hear about it. Now that it was public information, she wasn’t sure she would be able to handle the well wishes she was sure would come on the plane ride home. 

When Derek pulled her in closer, murmuring reassurances into her hair, she felt something inside of her crack wide open. The tears started falling quickly, spreading onto the fabric of Derek’s t-shirt, tangible representations of the grief that had washed over Emily. 

Her heart was broken, she knew that much, and she felt angry at herself for letting herself feel heartbroken over a relationship that had never even existed. The weight of unspoken promises and unshared love seemed to crash down on her and her breath started coming in fast gasps. 

Derek moved back a few inches, placing his hands on either side of Emily’s face, forcing her out of her thoughts. Their eyes met, Derek’s full of sympathy and care. Emily’s showed every bit of hurt he knew she was feeling, glistening under the fluorescent light coming from the front of the police station. 

“It’s going to be okay, princess.” The words came out, but both of them knew he couldn’t promise that, couldn’t guarantee that it would be okay. 

Emily was opening her mouth to respond when they heard the rest of the team come out of the station. A look passed between the two of them, Derek looking for confirmation that Emily was okay to head to their SUV, or if he needed to stall. 

Emily wiped at her eyes, catching a few tears that had slipped out, and stood up. As she straightened up, Derek watched her defenses fall back into place, vulnerability being replaced by a cold and distant demeanor. She shot Derek a quick look of thanks before walking towards the rest of the group, hoping that the darkness of the night would hide any evidence of her heartbreak. 

Hopping in the passenger’s seat of the sleek, black car, she clicked her seat belt into place and watched in the rear view mirror as JJ slid into the back, a gleeful look still painting her features. With Derek in the driver’s seat, it was just the three of them, the rest of the team trailing behind them in the second SUV. 

JJ looked up, feeling Emily’s eyes on her from the front seat, only to see the older woman quickly look out of the window next to her. A wave of confusion swept over JJ, not sure what had happened since she had talked to Emily twenty minutes ago. 

The ride to the airstrip was quiet, the only sounds in the car being an occasional sniffle from Emily. JJ was contemplative, trying to figure out what had sucked every ounce of joy out of the two agents in the front seat. She caught Derek’s gaze in the mirror, shooting him an unspoken question with a squint of her eyes. He shot back a sad look, a tiny shake of his head confusing JJ even further. 

She felt the car slow down as they pulled up next to the jet, Emily getting out of the car quickly and grabbing her bag from the trunk. By the time JJ and Derek grabbed their bags, Emily was already seated in one of the cushioned chairs at the back of the plane. JJ felt Derek’s hand land on her shoulder, giving a quick squeeze before he headed up the stairs, leaving her with a sinking feeling in her throat as she followed. 

It was a short flight from Miami back to Quantico, and after a few hours they all dispersed through the office. They all readied themselves to head home, grabbing bags and keys, dropping off files and paperwork for another day, leaving as quickly as they came. 

JJ watched carefully from her office as the team scurried out of the office in attempts to escape before the pressure of an endless caseload guilted them into staying. Her eyes landed on Emily sitting at her desk, eyes closed and head leaned back, taking deep breaths in and out. JJ could tell she thought she was the only one in the office, knowing that the brunette would never let the team see her exhaustion. 

There was something more there, too, just underneath the surface, something heavier than just being tired. If JJ had to name it, she would have said her friend was grieving, overcome by the weight of something big. It didn’t make sense, a few hours ago Emily had shared her words of encouragement, just last night they had laughed in their shared room when Emily had come out of the bathroom with a soaking wet t-shirt after a fight with the faucet. 

The only thing that had changed since then was the team finding out about Will. The elated feeling that had coursed through her body when she had kissed Will in the police station had faded quickly when she had gotten into the tense car. She had been surprised when no one brought it up on the flight home, having prepared herself for a barrage of questions. 

She knew the team’s opinions and approval carried a lot of weight in her mind, but she couldn’t quite figure out why the brunette’s avoidance of her hurt differently. A year ago, she could have read Emily like a book. The two of them had been inseparable, spending almost all of their free time together outside of work. Their belongings had mixed together at each of their houses, having opted to spend the night almost daily, always having an excuse of ‘ _ too many glasses of wine _ ’ or it being  _ ‘way too late to drive home’ _ .

She also knew that Emily was probably hurt on some level that all of that had faded into very little as she had become more serious with Will, opting to spend her free time talking to him or making the trip down to Louisiana.

If the roles had been reversed, she knew she would have been confused, but Emily avoided any conversation that could lead to being hurt, so it was not surprising that she never brought it up. She figured Emily knew about Will on some level, the brunette was nothing if not observant, but it dawned on JJ that she most certainly had hurt her friend over the last year. 

Building up her courage to talk to Emily ( _ apologize, maybe? _ ) she walked slowly from her office towards the older agent, keeping her footsteps light and quiet, not wanting to startle her. Emily still heard her coming, and turned to face JJ with red-rimmed eyes that held a lot of fear and a weight that neither of them wanted to acknowledge. 

Emily knew she looked helpless, and knew there was no way to hide the hurt from her face. She should have left with the rest of the team- if she had, she could have avoided any chance of running into the blonde. Right now, she was angry at herself, and felt that frustration paint itself across her features alongside heartbreak. 

Emily knew she was caught when JJ let out a small gasp, and could see the pieces falling into place. She wanted to run, to rush out of the office and race home, to let herself hole up in the security of her own home and let herself fall apart. 

It wasn’t lost on her that deep down she still wanted the blonde to be the one comforting her. They had assumed those roles for each other a million times, always ending up sprawled on a couch, heads on laps and fingers running through hair while words of encouragement were whispered between the two. 

“Em…” JJ whispered softly, trying to push down the racing in her chest that came with the confirmation that whatever had Emily so upset had everything to do with her. 

_ How did I miss this,  _ was her first thought. 

JJ’s mind was racing. She had spent  _ years  _ trying to control her emotions around the older woman, trying desperately to not let her admiration be known. For years, she had pushed any ounce of hope out of her mind, convincing herself that Emily cared for her only platonically. 

Her feelings for Emily had grown slowly, steadily over the years, but so had her self doubt. Emily was classy and fun, well-traveled and wise, someone who JJ had convinced herself she would never stand a chance with. She had been in awe of Emily since they met, had felt like her presence was a gift whenever she was around. 

Her mind went blank, how had they  _ both  _ missed this? The last few years flew through the blonde’s mind, missed moments and heavy looks playing one after another. She felt the panic set in. 

_ Had she messed this up forever?  _

_ If Emily felt this way, why would she ever tell her to go for Will? _

_ Did she even want to be with Will if she knew Emily loved her? _

Emily took in the look of confusion that crossed JJ’s face, stomach turning as she registered the fact that her feelings were no longer a secret. She had to get out of there, felt the bile rising in her throat as she came to the realization that things would never be the same between the two of them again. 

Silently, she rose from her seat, grabbing her bag and mumbling out a  _ I have to go  _ through the tears that had started falling. _ I’m sorry,  _ followed shortly after. 

“Wait,” JJ rushed out, hearing the panic rising in her own voice, feet carrying her towards the elevator she watched the brunette step into. As she watched her friend step in and turn around, JJ felt herself shatter at the heartbreak she could see on Emily’s face, tears flowing freely down her pale cheeks. 

She heard herself yell  _ Emily,  _ her whole body on edge, filled with desperation to explain herself. Their miscommunications would be the death of them, might already have done them in. JJ felt her own heart break as she watched the doors close on Emily, and could feel the tears starting to fall down her own cheeks. 

_ I love her.  _

The feeling cracked her whole being wide open, the simple fact presenting itself as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Her heart leapt, and her body didn’t quite know how to react. The intensity was unlike anything she had felt in the last year with Will, which was confusing and confirming all at once. 

  
She let herself feel lost for only a moment before rushing into the stairwell, _ I have to fix this, _ being the only thought in her brain as she raced towards Emily. 


	2. part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part two!!! here ya go!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy :')

JJ was breathing heavily when she flung open the stairwell door, frantic eyes scanned the garage, spotting Emily’s car still in its usual spot. The car wasn’t on yet, no noise filling the garage other than JJ catching her breath. With nervous steps, she made her way to the driver’s side window, her chest tightening when she saw Emily resting her forehead against the steering wheel. She could see the brunette shaking slightly, an obvious physical sign of the tears that were falling. 

Emily hadn’t seen her yet, and she debated fleeing for a moment before she lifted her hand to tap her fingertips against the window. She watched the older woman freeze, saw her straighten up her back and take a deep breath before turning her head towards the window. 

Emily knew it was JJ before she turned, knew that no one else was still in the building. Emily knew that JJ hated someone being upset with her, always wanting everyone around her to be okay, but she hadn’t ever known the blonde to be cruel. 

The image of JJ running after Will, the joy that had painted her face right before he kissed her, was the only thing that Emily could see when she looked at the blonde. It was physically painful to think about, and Emily wasn’t sure the tension would ever leave her body. 

_ “ _ Emily, please _.”  _ The sound was muffled by the glass window, and Emily swore she could hear a crack in JJ’s voice, a tremble that sounded a lot like fear. 

_ Of course she’s afraid,  _ Emily figured. Who wouldn’t be scared of having to deal with their best friend being in love with them. She steeled her face, slowed her breath, and spoke softly, head still looking down at the steering wheel. 

To Emily, this was all her fault. She had let herself hope that one day the blonde would reciprocate the overwhelming wonder she felt around her. She knew better, had spent her whole life building walls around her heart to keep herself from feeling like this, but here she was- heartbroken and sobbing in her car, painfully aware that she had never been someone’s first choice. 

JJ blamed herself too, for not being willing to believe that Emily could ever love someone like her. For doubting the other woman and herself so much that she had fled into the arms of someone else- someone who would always be a consolation prize to the brunette she was staring at. Panic was coursing through her veins, scared that Emily wouldn’t give her the chance to explain, to clear up the confusion of the last year. 

“Please don’t make this harder than it already is,” she whispered, looking up slowly at JJ from inside the car. They locked eyes, meeting each other’s gaze with twin looks of heaviness and grief and heartbreak. 

JJ had made up her mind when she was running down the stairs, and had been building up her courage to have this conversation since she had put the pieces together at Emily’s desk. She wasn’t going to let them go another night without everything out in the open, and with sure steps she walked around to the passenger side door, giving it a tug and sliding in next to Emily.

She closed the door softly, pulled at the seat belt and clicked it into place to let Emily know she had no intention of leaving, before turning to face the brunette. JJ reached out a hand, winced slightly as she felt Emily recoil from her touch, and broke the silence. 

“Please, can we talk about this.” The words came out barely above a whisper, the pleading in JJ’s voice overshadowing everything else. Emily still wasn’t looking at her, but JJ caught the slight nod of her head, and relaxed back into her seat when she watched the older woman turn on the car, buckling her own seatbelt before checking her mirrors and pulling out of the garage.

They were headed towards Emily’s house, JJ knew the route, and was thankful they weren’t headed towards somewhere public. She had half expected Emily to take them to a diner, or a late night coffee shop, where she could bask in the safety of being watched by other patrons. 

Emily’s home was her safe space though, where she felt most like herself, and if JJ was being honest with herself, it had become her safe space, too. One she had been missing over the last year, and she knew that they would both find comfort within those walls tonight.

They pulled up slowly, Emily taking a breath before turning off the car and opening her door, walking up the steps and waiting for JJ before walking into the building. They were both struck with comfort and familiarity as they rode the elevator silently up to Emily’s floor. 

It had been almost six months since the blonde had been over, having been out of town every weekend they hadn’t been away on a case. JJ was hit with a warm, welcoming scent when the door swung open into Emily’s entryway. Walking in behind the older woman and closing the door behind her, JJ was hit with a wave of comfort she couldn’t ignore. 

_ This feels like coming home _ , she thought. 

Emily walked straight into the kitchen, throwing her bag and keys down and grabbing two glasses of water. JJ knew she was just stalling, giving herself time to put all of her defenses back into place before she was ready to have a conversation. JJ couldn’t really blame her, understood the hurt that Emily was probably going through- she would have felt the same way if the roles were reversed. 

Watching Emily walk into the living room, JJ took a deep breath before she followed. Emily walked slowly towards the couch, taking a moment to place the two glasses of water on the coffee table before lowering herself onto the far end of the couch. JJ moved to mirror her on the opposite end, legs tucked up in front of her, body facing towards the brunette. 

They had been on this couch a hundred times, but the space between them right now seemed almost insurmountable. JJ knew that she needed to speak first, that she would have to break through layers of security before this conversation would go where she wanted it to go.

_ Where did she want it to go, _ she thought to herself.  _ What’s the endgame here? _

She loved Emily, was in love with Emily, but would the older woman believe her? She knew there was a year of actions that spoke differently, choices that would make the brunette afraid of the simple fact. JJ knew Emily, knew she would say that JJ was just grasping at anything in an attempt to keep her around, that she was just confused, that she really loved Will. 

“Why didn’t you tell me,” was what came out of JJ’s mouth. It was what she wanted to know most, the answer to this was something she already knew, but she didn’t know where else to start. 

The silence stretched out between them, Emily carefully considering the blonde across from her. She didn’t have the words to explain the fear that had plagued her when she had come to terms with her own feelings. Unrequited love and admiration wasn’t something anyone wanted to experience, let alone for the most consistent and important person in your life. 

JJ was her best friend, had filled wounds that Emily didn’t even know she had, and she would have gladly taken her secret to the grave if it meant keeping the blonde in her life. 

“It wouldn’t have changed anything,” she spoke softly, voice laced with heavy grief. “I didn’t _ want _ it to change anything.”

Of course she had wanted things to change, had wanted to give the blonde everything she had to offer, to get a chance to pour out all of the love she had spent her whole life pushing down. Emily watched as JJ sorted through the words she had just spoken, and wished she could hear the thoughts she knew were racing through JJ’s mind. 

“You didn’t even give me a chance,” JJ spoke after a few moments. “You just assumed you knew how I would react.”

Emily’s eyes moved to meet JJ’s, trying to figure out the blonde. Did she mean that she would have reacted with a gentle pity- told Emily she was flattered and loved her as a best friend, but nothing more? 

That was the reaction Emily had decided on months ago, knew that JJ was too kind to reject her by completely cutting ties. Emily also knew herself well enough to know that she would never have been able to stick around, to suffer through her heartbreak openly around JJ. There was no way she could have continued on with her feelings out in the open, and wouldn't have been able to handle the sweet, understanding pity that would have filled JJ’s eyes every time they were together. 

“You were already seeing Will,” Emily answered sadly. “By the time I had realized, you had been seeing him for months. Even still, I would never have burdened you with my feelings. It wouldn’t have been fair.”

JJ stared at Emily and felt her face tighten in annoyance. Emily was ever the martyr, always putting her own needs and feelings behind everyone else’s. JJ wanted to grab her shoulders, shake her and remind her that she was someone worth loving, someone that  _ deserved  _ to be loved. 

“Your feelings could never be a burden, Em, not to me.” Emily felt her eyes start to water at the sincerity in JJ’s voice. She knew the younger woman meant it, JJ had been listening to Emily process her emotions for years with a loyal and compassionate ear, always making Emily feel validated and understood. 

“Still, it would have ruined us.” 

JJ felt her heart break further at the weight that she knew Emily had been carrying for months, how she had spent the better part of a year hiding her feelings in hopes of maintaining their friendship. JJ had distanced herself anyways, letting herself believe she had found fulfillment with the detective. Looking back now, she had been scared. Scared of her dependency on Emily, scared that she would get her heart broken if she let herself fall deeper into her feelings. 

“You don’t know that,” she heard herself say, annoyed that she still couldn’t muster up the courage to tell Emily how she felt. 

_ Why couldn’t she just tell Emily how she felt?  _ JJ knew she was the one that had pushed Emily away, and had been the one to put so much space in between them- it was only fair that she be the one to start closing that gap. 

“You don’t have to say that,” Emily whispered, “we both know how it would have ended. No one wants their best friend to ruin their friendship by being in love with them.”

JJ scooted forward until her knees rested against Emily’s, reaching out a hand to rest on Emily’s knee, still covered by the work slacks she had been wearing today. 

“You’re so sure it would have ruined us,” JJ responded, her voice filling with some indignance and annoyance at Emily’s refusal to give herself any credit, “but you’ve never once asked me how I think I would have felt about it, how I feel about it _ now _ .”

That got Emily’s attention, and she moved her eyes from where they had been studying JJ’s fingers rubbing small circles on her knee up to meet JJ’s sincere gaze. 

_ JJ is with Will, _ Emily told herself in an attempt to squash the surge of hope that had just coursed through her entire body. She had watched the blonde run into the detective’s arms hours ago, and was certain that JJ was grasping at whatever she could find to try and salvage their friendship. 

The blue eyes she was looking into told a different story, they were filled with a mix of sadness and hope that made Emily’s chest tighten. There was something there that she couldn’t quite place, a look that she had been missing the last year, one that JJ had always seemed to save for her when they were together. 

Their eyes stayed locked on each other for what seemed like forever, JJ shooting Emily a look that seemed to dare her to ask how she felt. 

“Ask me,” JJ shot at Emily, her voice low and raspy, her legs dropped off the side of the couch in order to move closer to Emily, their faces only a few inches apart. 

Emily could feel her heartbeat in every inch of her body, was sure that JJ could hear it, that anyone would have been able to hear it. Her mind went blank, all of her senses overwhelmed by JJ being so close. Her whole world shrunk down to the blonde in front of her- the way her hand felt as it grabbed her thigh, the way she could feel the younger woman’s warm breath against her face, the familiar smell of the vanilla and coconut that she knew was JJ’s shampoo. 

It was too much, and not enough. Emily’s hand came up on its own accord, brushing stray blonde hair behind an ear, thumb coming to rest on a perfect cheekbone. 

_ Hmm?  _ Was as much of a question as she could force out of her mouth, and she felt a puff of air leave JJ’s mouth in a small laugh.

  
“I love you, Emily” was the last thing either of them heard as the world seemed to stand still, everything else disappearing as JJ  _ finally  _ pressed their lips together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part 3 coming at ya soon! from here on out it'll be rated m!!


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